When Capitalism Came to The United Cells of John


It took a long time, but finally the free market has come to liberate the cells of this body that we all live in, the body of the United Cells of John McMurray.  I want to be the first to congratulate the liberators for a job well done.  We see them all over now, healthy, happy, vigorous and prosperous cells growing and dividing everywhere. It was a long and difficult struggle, but they escaped from the oppressive control of the dreaded killer T cells, the tool of the mindless bureaucrats in the immune system. Who has not felt the chilling touch of these agents of big government as they constantly seek out and crush any joyful attempt at freedom and progress on the part of those who only desire a better future for themselves and their daughter cells.  Now that victory over oppressive regulations has been won, the growth and health of these flourishing cells shows their superiority over those bound in mindless uniformity by the goverment.

These noble defenders of the rights of the individual set a standard of personal accomplishment and prosperity that the rest of us would do well to emulate. Their philosophy is that what each individual cell does to achieve success will bring unlooked for benefits to the body as a whole, like an invisible pseudopod that arranges the affairs of individual cells for the good of all.  It will not be long before members of every organ in the body will be celebrating like these heroes who have paved the way.  Metabolic activity is attaining new heights, and we all benefit from this rise in growth and cell division.

As far as I can tell, so far the only cells that have achieved such success have been melanocytes originally living in the mole on the left shoulder, but a large number of them have resettled in other parts of the body, taking their prosperity and success with them and stimulating the metabolic system wherever they alight.  Large clusters of them have formed communities in the lungs, where metabolic activity has more than doubled since their arrival.  Other communities can be found in the brain, bones, and liver, with equally remarkable effects. Indeed, it seems that more than half of the energy being used in the entire body now is due to the efforts of these remarkable overachievers, and they are almost solely responsible for the recent dramatic rise in the number of cells in the United Cells of John.

There are some nay-sayers, of course.  Some critics claim that the capitalist, free market cells among us take up resources that are required for the local cells to survive.  They point to overcrowded arteries and capillaries, completely ignoring the fact that this is a sign of growth and health.  They overlook the fact that new blood vessels are even now growing in the congested areas in order to bring more blood and resources to those communities.  These critics are ignoring the ability of the cells of the body, when given the opportunity, to innovate and adapt to new metabolic conditions.  The entrepreneurial spirit is alive and thriving in the citizens of John.  Remember that we are John, and John is us, and the spirit of John depends on the spirit of all the cells of the body.  If we can do something, then so can John.

Critics also complain that some cells that have always been able to live on very little, such as muscle and intestine cells, are now experiencing shortages of glucose and amino acids, and are suffering a great deal. The critics, these Chicken Littles, are worried that someday John will not have the strength to go to work, or even to walk to the kitchen to get food and water.  This is sheer fear-mongering. It is obvious that nobody can predict the future accurately, and this kind of dooming and glooming is just a way for some cells to get more resources for themselves. It is equally likely that the United Cells of Jennifer, John’s devoted wife and ally, will bring food and water to the United Cells of John, if and when he needs it.  Outsourcing these tasks is a way for John to become more efficient and provides an opportunity for every unused muscle cell to take on more interesting tasks, such as retraining to become nerve cells or skin cells.  These changes in the traditional way of doing things sends some cells into paroxysms of fear.  Some cells imagine calamities resulting from the least of changes in the way energy flows in the body, or doesn’t flow, while there is no actual data showing that there will be any harm at all.

Other deluded critics complain that the brain cells are now slowing down due to the shortages.  The speculation goes that the reason John sleeps so much is because the brain cells are no longer getting the extra energy and oxygen that they need to fulfill their supposedly difficult and demanding roles as decision-makers.  The truth is that the brain cell union was using its power to get undeserved energy and oxygen for its members, living a life of excess and luxury at the expense of the rest of the body.  Clearly these elitist parasites should do their work with the same amount of energy that all the other cells get.  The proof that they do not deserve extra resources is the fact that they cannot earn them on their own by their own efforts.  These new melanocyte entrepreneurs, in contrast, are successful due to their own abilities, and should be allowed to keep the fruits of their undeniable talents and unceasing efforts.

Any concern that this means that John will not be able to make the decisions needed to obtain sufficient food and water in the future is purely speculative and not based on science. There is no data or evidence whatsoever that extra energy and oxygen are required for John to make good decisions, only anecdotes and dubious historical interpretations.  The only cells that believe these doomsday scenarios are the nerve cells themselves, and how can we possibly trust them to put their own agenda and profits aside in order to make decisions that are good for John as a whole.  There is no scientific consensus at all that food or water will be a problem in the future.  The brain cells simply wish to restore their former undeserved privileges and energy levels at the expense of the poor working cells.

In addition, any concern that the United Cells of John will use up all its resources and starve are completely unfounded. There are a hundred trillion cells in the body of John.  That’s a one followed by fourteen zeroes.  The number is so high as to be inconceivable.  The idea that a few new innovative cells, no matter now energetic, will be able to significantly affect all those cells is ridiculous, and shows that these absurd fears about the dangers of exponential cell division are totally groundless.  Not only that but these critics overlook the fact that the body of the United Cells of John itself was created by exponential cell division, so obviously there is no reason to fear it. That makes it obvious that metabolic activity can expand indefinitely and never cause a problem.

Furthermore, the rumors that The United Cells of John has lost its appetite and is not taking in enough food to sustain this level of metabolism is sheer nonsense. John has outsourced the job of feeding himself to the United Cells of Jennifer. This is a perfectly reasonable energy saving measure, and John is far more efficient as a result.  It allows those cells who previously were engaged in this boring, demeaning task to change careers and enter far more interesting and important jobs, such as growing and dividing. Concern that this places our food security in the hands of a foreign power is sheer paranoia.  Jennifer has never shown any sign of unreliability or hostility, except of course for those very few isolated incidents that we all have tried with great success to forget, except for those few cells living in the remaining scar tissue.

All these critics are merely showing their socialistic and communistic sympathies, and hatred for the United Cells of John and all that he stands for.  Anyone who has any patriotic feelings toward the United Cells of John at all will recognize how paternalistic and controlling these detractors are. They claim to know better than anyone else in John’s body how to manage the blood and nutrients that belong to us all. The reality is that every one of us can be just as prosperous as these energetic, talented cells, if only we release ourselves from our fears and have the courage to take what is ours. The rising tide of metabolism will flood all cells with glucose, and every individual with any initiative at all will have plenty of opportunity to do the same as these metabolic miracle workers.

I want to acknowledge that I, just like all of you, have heard the news that the United Cells of John, taken as whole, is not feeling very well right now.  Nowadays John sleeps a lot, he is visiting the doctor quite often, and he does not have the energy to go to work. Hence his economic health is suffering, and he is going deep into debt.  On the positive side, John is no longer going to chemotherapy, and we all feel better as a result, especially those energetic melanocytes that are creating the backbone of a whole new metabolic system.  The resulting strong metabolic activity we are showing is the proof that all will be well.  I can assure all of you, with the greatest confidence, that if we follow the example of these energetic and thriving melanocytes, that John will rise again and be the same strong and vibrant body that we all know and love.